Wednesday, November 15, 2017

11/15/2017

I dreamt that there was a small circuit fire in the house that threatened to engulf the entire structure at any minute. I panicked and didn’t know what to do.

The scene repeated itself with me reacting differently to it. Surprising myself, I didn’t panic and instead asked the fellow occupant to gather all or most of their important belongings before we collapsed from smoke inhalation. After I called the emergency hotline for the fire brigade, I rushed to my room and shoved my wallet, my passport, and a couple of full water bottles into my tote bag.

As I looked back at the scene behind us, the firefighters battled to contain the fire and prevent it from spreading to our neighbors.

In the second scene, when things were much better, we scouted the area for food. We found ourselves in a bright yet quiet hawker centre selling Chinese food. The moment I entered the place, it felt like I have visited it before in real life.

There are a couple of ways that I can look at the dream - with the help of the online interpretations, that is. Let’s use the part where I saw the fire first. One suggestion is that I might be battling intense emotions over something that I can’t ignore any more - or rather, I’m nose-deep in stress that my subconscious is pleading for me to take the time off.

Maybe the intense emotions part is skating the surface of my perception about things that have occurred around me. It might also mean that I’m no longer able to avoid a particular person and should take the bull by its horns, resolving the low-level conflict once and for all. As I have mentioned in a handful of posts, this semester has been challenging emotionally and physically. I’ve suppressed my thoughts and emotions in the hopes that I’ll be able to focus on what is ahead of me, but it hasn’t worked in my favor at all times.

Maybe I’ve pushed myself so hard that it’s tearing my mind into pieces.

On the contrary, me seeing the firefighter adds a divergent twist to the interpretation. It is indicative of me cleansing and purifying myself. My subconscious might be asking me to rid myself of the earthly burdens and focus on myself. It doesn’t want to be weighed down with exhaustion anymore.

I initially thought the scene was a result of my craving for Chinese food, especially char siew fan and wan tan mee. I guess I’ve been proven wrong by the context of the scene. Since the food came in a soup, I can only assume that it is wan tan mee. The online interpretation suggested that I have a ‘deep desire to understand a different point of view.’ I’m not sure how to relate to this - unless it’s pointing me to consider a past situation. I’ll keep the identity confidential, but truth be told, I still don’t know what led the person to arrive at the decisions that he did. Maybe the dream is reminding me to look at the situation from his eye and understand the reasons behind his choices and eventual departure.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

A Case of Curious Incidences (Part 9 - The Finale)

It was two and a half hours later that Crystal was able to rid herself of the weighted robe and swapped into a more comfortable attire. Instead of her smart formal dress and heels, she was in a knee-length striped dress with a cardigan and wedges. She ditched her purse for a backpack. She observed as the next batch of cohorts gathered outside with their family members and the student volunteers ensuring that all went well. She smiled to herself, relieved that she was able to freeze today’s event with her peers on digital. It had been another reason for attending the graduation in person - with her friend, Harry. Although they were of the same degree, he arranged his study plan in such a way that she graduated earlier than him. In fact, she was pleasantly surprised when he agreed to take time out from his schedule to watch her graduation. She looked at the clouds around her while she waited for Harry to leave his tutorial. Much to her dismay, it was gloomier - as if it was sad to see her and her cohort go.

I’ll wait at the phone charging area of the library, she texted him.

She then made her way into the law building and easily assumed the role of a continuing student. With her frazzled look and concentration on her laptop, she’d have fooled anyone into thinking that she was under the stress of the killer subject. Which was why she chose the seat to the wall. No one could see what she was doing.

“You changed clothes,” a voice commented above her forty-five minutes later. It was Harry.

“Yes, I did,” she replied as the person took a seat next to her. “How was Politics of Law? Are you hungry?”

“It was good. Yes, can we have tea instead?”

“Now you know why I recommended you to enroll in it. It fits you like a glove. Let’s go to the beachside cafe then.”

*

Something is not right, he thought. This girl never visited the beach unless she was emotionally occupied with something. He knew better than to ask her and waited with patience instead. If there was one thing he learnt about her, it’s that she will share her thoughts only when she wanted to. He followed her cue after she parked her car and killed the engine. After a short distance of awkward silence that was accentuated by the waves splashing against the rocks, she stopped and gestured to the seats ahead of them.

It was moments later that they made themselves comfortable in the beachside cafe after the waitress took their orders. She trained her eyes on the waves splashing on the rocks outside. Now that she was alone with Harry out of campus, it’d be easier to speak her mind and relieve her heart of the burden that lodged itself in the abyss since last year. The one that threw her into a state of dilemma. So, why was she struggling to let the words roll her tongue? It wasn’t like she needed to confess to a crime either.

“Is something going on?”

“No,” she lied. “What’s up?”

He peeked at his surroundings. “You’re worrying me. It should be a joyous day, but I sense hesitance instead.”

“I don’t know. I’ve mulled over this since the start of last year, but I don’t know how you’d react to this…” She took a breath and avoided eye contact. “It was obvious that you wanted me to remain in town and you’d do anything possible to prevent my departure. But I can’t stay. This place has continuously forced me to revisit the dark days of my past. At every corner, I see memories or triggers of what I’ve endured. Yes, my home is here, but I’m itching to run. It’s good that you came along for the ride because there is something I have to give you.”

“Okay?”

She rummaged through her backpack and found the item she looked for. A sealed envelope addressed in Harry’s name. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.” He fiddled with it and debated whether he should read it now or later. There was a twinge of urgency in Crystal’s voice, which made him antsy. He knew her long enough to expect sporadic letters - be it one of comfort or gratitude - from her. He just wasn’t sure of his emotions once he opened the letter.

She misconstrued his hesitance as fear. “There’s nothing and no one to incriminate us. Me, maybe, but definitely not you.”

There was a long silence, in which he tore open the envelope and perused the three page long letter. Peppered in the content were her fears of leaving their friendship for a better opportunity interstate. An elaboration of her dark days. Suicide attempts. Mistrusts. Personality changes. “I wish you told me earlier,’ he whispered.

“Sorry, Harry, but I didn’t want to show my vulnerability until I could fully trust you.”

Sunday, November 12, 2017

11/12/2017



I dreamt that I was in a furniture store with a male companion. The camera in my dream didn't pan to him, so I couldn't see his features or have a rough gauge of his identity. We were guided towards the furnishing department by one of the employees. On our way down the escalator, we found the person whom we wanted to see.

As we sat opposite the person in charge of the brightly-lit furnishing department, I noticed that some of the pathways were blocked with wooden dividers. It was a sign that the place was in the midst of a renovation. When he saw our initial drawings for the house furnishing, he said that it would be difficult and proceeded to write down the name of a real estate agent on our paper. Mind you, he did it secretly. I immediately knew that there was a conflict of interest for him and wondered if he disclosed it to his superiors the moment it occurred.

I know that my subconscious is still thinking about the corporate law exam because of two reasons. The first one is my confidence. Although it's now a done and dusted thing, I'm not confident in what I wrote on the exam booklet. Watching the kiddo in front of me asking for a second booklet from the invigilator didn't help much. The second one is embarrassment. I kind of embarrassed myself when the file containing my notes crashed onto the floor with a loud thud in the silent exam hall. Although no one cared about it, I felt that I was turning beet red and losing concentration to the point where I wanted to get out of there in that instant.

I'm definitely going bonkers.

On flipside of the dream, I'm about to break out into laughter even thinking about the possibility. It might be an indication into the future when it's time to purchase furniture for a new house that my significant other and I have bought. It could be, seeing that I couldn't see the person's facial features.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

11/8/17

Okay, so this is it, I suppose.

This unofficially marks the end of my penultimate year, which begs the question of whether I am worried about job vacancies. It doesn’t help that I’m wondering whether I’ve learned enough skills to handle the real world - but I guess we won’t know until it actually happens.

After an intense fortnight of slogging past midnight, yesterday was the last of my papers - and I’ve already done my best for it. The rest is up to the written content on the exam booklets. It also depends whether I’ve regurgitated as much as I could and linked enough concepts to get me across the lines. The answer for the second one is a definite no. I knew that I can kiss the credit goodbye the moment I looked at the questions during the reading time. Although I revised most of what I could, something possessed my entire being towards the middle of the exam - and I wondered if I’ve made the right choice of enrolling in this degree. Ironic, right? Self-doubts while in the examination hall.

Or a sign of burnout on the way?

I’m only confident for a pass, but I guess I won’t know for sure until I either attend the viewing session or wait until the release of the official result. A miracle would be needed now if I want a credit. Then again, I shouldn’t think too much about the final grades and focus more on sleeping the exhaustion off instead. I’ve blown out both my brain and emotions this semester in such a way that I’m more of a zombie than a homo sapien.

Maybe I’ll have to take up on my lecturer’s offer after all.

Reflecting on this semester, I knew what I was getting myself into, but the constructive knowledge wasn’t enough to save me from drowning, so to speak. Although the stress may have died down towards the fourth week of the semester, it flared up as the time got closer to the exam period. I felt like someone struggling to stay above water and the workload dragging me down like an anchor. The headache persisted so much that I christened it ‘my death sentence’. At least, the comforting side is that I’ve one more year to complete before I’m able to smell the roses.

If this is the life of a practicing barrister, I’m definitely considering my options here. I don’t know if I can weather the storm and argue for my client’s benefit in front of the judge without feeling like I’m about to pass out.

Maybe I contemplated that it will arrive at this stage sooner than later, but I didn’t want to believe that it might explode in my face. I mean, what were the odds? I’m always surrounded with anxiety and worry over the performance on my assignments and exams. It’s eventually bound to spill over and leave a trail of blood, sweat, and tears.

There was a flashback of me in the middle of a street in Taipei - in search of a particular store when we stumbled across two shops: one specializing in items made out of bamboo and wood and the other sold specialty cooking oil that ranged from sesame to flaxseed. I vaguely remembered the packaging of the bottle - and let me just say that the labels were beautifully designed. Too bad I didn’t keep the address - otherwise, I’d definitely swing there if I ever return to visit Taipei.

It might be a small city, but if you look hard enough, there are places to visit and the best is that it ain’t touristy either.

And before I forget, I have news for everyone. Remember the little side project that I have been working on and off for the last years? Well, it’s been finished - at least for the last couple of months. Now you see why I’ve been slogging like a mad woman away from the blogosphere. Although it couldn’t have been published as a paperback inasmuch as I’d love it to be, I’m now ready to release it as an e-book.

If you’re keen on purchasing it, stay tuned for more details (including the method of purchase and delivery).

Until then, I’m off to take a breather and soothe the racing mind.

Friday, November 3, 2017

11/3/2017

This is the second time that I’ve dreamt of pelicans. Although it is in a different location with a slightly varying context, I’m sensing that there is an occurring theme as well. The timing is also … too accurate - almost a year to this day, to be exact. As always, there was much more information in the dream, but I could only remember some of it due to sleep deprivation and exam revision.

I dreamt that I was leaning against a wooden bridge that connected the mainland to somewhere in the middle of the sea. My peripheral vision did not allow me to see where the bridge ended. As I allowed my thoughts to drift away, I noticed 3 pelicans waiting at the riverbank before another 3 swam over to join them. I remember feeling peaceful and relaxed at seeing this occurrence.

The online interpretation suggested sacrifice, charity, and nurturance. I’m not sure if it’s a 100% applicable, but certain elements of it seem to be. It does sound like I’ve sacrificed something without being aware of it, though. If I were to reflect on the past semester, the only thing that I have sacrificed is social time.

If we are also to discuss about nurturance, then the dream makes full sense. I was fully aware that things weren’t rosy as it seemed. A part of me feels like I need some nurturing, especially after what has transpired. It has made me question myself if this is the right choice and whether I should still follow the path. Or whether a divergent path would prove to be much more successful?

In addition, it might serve as a reminder to trust in the process and not to panic at the way things have turned out. When I first read this interpretation, I wanted to burst out laughing because that’s what I’ve not done. Although I know that I should have faith on what is to come, I’ve successfully scared myself with the prospects of next semester instead. I’m sure that I’ll be crazy soon at the rate I’m going.

I’ve forced myself not to blame myself if I don’t get the desired score because there are variables that led to such a result, but it is hard to trust blindly in the process and see the positive side of things.

On a more realistic view, it might also mean that I have a lot of errands to tick off my to-do list as well as carrying a lot of baggage. A wave of anxiety would always envelope me whenever it is the exam season because I have to tick off the list of revision methods. I feel that there’s too many things to do with little time to spare before it’s time to face the papers.

As for carrying a lot of baggage, I wonder if the interpretation refers to both the physical and emotional ones. Based on the reasonable person’s understanding of the term, I’d say that it’s probably hinting at the emotional baggage. Ah, this one is a bit arduous to write about - because I thought that I’ve buried it. Everyone has their own load of emotional baggage that they choose to speak of or keep secret about - it’s understandable.

I just don’t want to talk about it in public.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

10/31/17

I dreamt that it was an event held in a building located in a quiet area. A bunch of us were there to celebrate a festival, which I reckon was Halloween, since we were all dressed up in costumes. My eyes widened with shock and my jaw dropped to the floor when I saw that friend. He seemed like his usual self as he turned up in his costume - as if time never passed between us - and asked how I was before he went his way. Although we were much older, we somehow recognized each other after all these years. It left me with a surprise because I never expected him to remember me.

When I returned from a toilet break, I gave a visual cue to my fellow friends to let them know that we should probably make a move. It was late into the night as we made our way out of the building. For reasons that I don’t know, I got lost from the entourage and found myself struggling to catch up with them and exit out of the building. I kept running into stairs and walking down more flights of stairs with shady characters at certain corners. Although my heart raced with fear and panic, the chilly air was somehow peaceful with its bright stars - if only I learned to relax and enjoy the scenery before me.

The friend in the dream is someone whom I haven’t seen since college graduation. In fact, none of us know his current location or his well -being. It’s as if he vanished without a trace. I don’t know what brought him up in the dream, but I’m aware that I’ve been thinking about him lately. Certain things have also reminded me of him - in a platonic way, mind you. Maybe it’s a sign that I miss him as a friend? Or reminiscing on the good old days where we used to throw each other under the bus?

Oh, yes, even a particular mutual friend of ours has said the same thing.

A quick reference online suggested that his 'appearance can also be a metaphor for some forgotten aspect of yourself that you'd like to reconnect with'. The two most common words used to describe me by my college peers were confidence and strong. The same applies to this friend, so it could be another hint that I admire his confidence and ability to take the bull by its horns all the time - something that I’m losing, drip after drip.

I also sense an ongoing theme with the part of me getting lost. It is similar to one of the earlier dreams but with a different context. The online interpretation suggested that I want stability or a normalcy - or rather crave the need for it. In addition, ‘to dream of being lost in the dark may represent feelings of being desperate to do anything all with no way to. Feeling unable to control anything that is happening to you. Feeling that you are completely on your own with no answers or help in sight. Alternatively, it may also reflect powerful feelings of isolation or loneliness.’

It is suggestive that I feel a sense of abandonment - in some ways. At the current state of mind, it feels like I’m floating in two territories - between my home country and current location - with no sense of belonging. Kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don’t thing. Maybe this scene is cementing my fear that I’m at a disadvantage. Ever since I started this semester, I already know that I’ve lost control of something. It didn’t help that my displeasure at the occurrences plus the academic stress have given me a hue of charcoal more than once. Somehow, I believe that although I take the courage and ask for help, it’s not going to necessarily work because 1) it’s not something that any Tom, Dick or Harry is able to assist with me; and 2) I’m worried sick about not just passing the exams, but attaining the grade that I want.

Stairs. I don’t know what to make of it because I’ve never dreamt of climbing or seeing stairs, but this is what the online interpretation said: ‘To dream that you are upstairs of a building refers to your higher level of understanding. It symbolizes your rational thinking and objectivity. Alternatively, being upstairs means that you hold yourself in high regard. To dream that you are walking down a flight of stairs represents your repressed thoughts. You are regressing back into your subconscious. It also refers to the setbacks that you are experiencing in your life.’

Let’s break the two interpretations into a more understandable element.

Interpretation #1: it characterizes a safety net, where I know that I can fall back on them should anything occur. I’m more confident and able to reason out with people, if they cross their boundaries and invade my personal space.

Interpretation #2: this is a little tricky. The costume might be a facade for me to ditch my insecurities and play someone else, even for the night. It could be a change of thoughts, where I just want to be myself since confidence has landed me into a muddy pile of mess (and jealousy-infused glares, if I may add). I’ve also suppressed my thoughts because I want to fade into the crowd and not stand out of them. I want to be treated like one of the invisible folks and left alone to do my own thing. What’s the point of speaking up when it’s not going to work in your favor?

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

10/25/2017

I don’t know whether it was a full blown exposure to a burnout, but it felt as such. Once all is done, I’ll have to take my lecturer’s advice and give myself some break. I’ll be honest with you. For someone who attends the weekly lectures and tutorials, you know that something is fishy when she decides to only attend her tutorials. She only emerges from her hideout on campus when it is closer towards the end of an academic day to grab air and food or to make her way home.

Not only am I overwhelmed with the workload and the clashing deadlines (which, in all honesty, should be bearable since that I’ve had worse in college), I’m suffering from a severe sleep deprivation brought on by external factors - including noise pollution. This explains why I haven’t been active on the blogosphere - most of the posts you’ve read have been scheduled in advance. There’s too much on my plate for me to carve the time to update the blog. Spend some time with me or have a peek at my timetable and you’ll know why. With that being said, I’m still taking the time out to focus on the rest of my assignments and the much-feared Corporate exam… at least for me.

I can’t believe that the second semester of my penultimate year is now a done and dusted thing. Just like that, with the snap of my fingers. I guess it’s now time to straighten some priorities (including working towards a credit for all of the courses) and focus on the summer holidays, where I can hide somewhere for an x number of weeks. Oh, God knows the temptation to ditch my social media accounts on the backburner and finally have some self-care. I know that I might be in for a rude awakening if I do that. Concerned messages will explode in my face, asking where the hell I have been and why I have ignored texts and calls. But it doesn’t really bother me because I need to get away from everyone for a while.

Speaking of summer break, I can’t wait. It’s been a wild ride this semester, especially with the crazy twists and divine intervention. I mean, I had an inkling of what was to come as a result of my decisions, but I never expected it to have such an impact on my psyche. I kept to my fair share of the promise because 1) I don’t want to explain to anyone the reasons behind my absence; 2) a promise is a promise; 3) there will be an awkward aura when you’re not in your class; and 4) the real world stinks more than this. If I can’t handle it now, I’ll definitely struggle when I’m in the workforce.

At least there is some breathing room now than it’s almost the end. 12 weeks in that little room packed with familiar peers was more than I could handle. The fact that there are other known players [players, as in students, not in the video game sense] didn’t make things any easier on my part. There are even a couple of folks that I never expected to see again. I don’t even know how I even survived the experience, but now that the exam schedule has been released, it’ll be easier for me to plan a hangout with all of the friends whom I haven’t met in ages. Not to mention, I want to visit a couple of places - and digitally freeze those memories!

As for peers, I’m not sure what would happen in the final year, but I guess I’m better prepared and equipped for the possibility that we might share the same classes again. I might roll my eyes with a sigh before I continue with my own things. Three years of breathing and living law has taught me how to deal with future colleagues while keeping my own emotions checked. As one of my friends has said, law school is smaller than you think. You are bound to run into familiar faces at some point or another if you’re unlucky, which is true. Not everyone in the same batch will be in the same courses - some are doing a double degree, some might decide to take a semester off, some may even add another degree to their studies along the way, or some might even add some spice to their study plan (which was what I did with criminal law and the arts electives. I won’t go into much details to save you from the confusion). All of which will throw some mix and delay the students by a year or so. As such, the probability is there.

On the bright side, next year’s my final year in law. I might consider staying and obtain the certificate/diploma to be admitted into the Bar. We’ll see what happens then. Anything can happen in the span of twelve months, but one thing is for sure. Although I’ll be surrounded by familiar faces, it’ll be a relief to graduate in the robe with that elusive parchment.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

10/22/2017

This has to be one of the weirdest dreams that I ever had.

I dreamt that it was the Christmas season - hence the beautifully gold decoratuons in the hotel ballroom. When I noticed it, I told my friends to wait for me while I rushed over to take a couple of pictures of it. Once I was satisfied with the number of photographs, I ran down the steps in my heels and made my way to the foyer where they waited for me. We were all dressed up, about to attend a formal event somewhere in town.

As two of our college friends were residents of this place, we decided to call them out for dinner. I received the phone call from someone about this and made my way to the appointed restaurant. Because it was just the average family-owned one, I turned up in a casual attire and styled my hair with a pencil. (This is something that I might dress in real life if I’m going for dinner with my parents.) When I saw that the two college friends had arrived, I guided them to the table where our mutual friend was waiting.

It was sometime during the dinner that I learnt that the world was smaller than it seemed. One of our course mates, who was in Canada, knew the committee member of the university’s law student society. I can’t remember who, but someone even rattled the course mate's nickname. The same one that leaves him wincing each time his friends use it in real life.

I honestly don't know how or what to interpret from this particular dream, especially the dinner part. Although both the college course mate and committee member are of acquaintance in real life, I don't think they even know each other or have common grounds with each other. 

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

A Case of Curious Coincidences (Part 8)

His breath caught in his throat when his peripheral vision spotted a familiar figure sitting on one of the concrete blocks that protected their graduation hall from oncoming traffic. Although she was surrounded by their cohorts, she stood out in the crowd like a shining diamond in her attire. Her lips stretched upwards when he saw her. His earlier searches on her Instagram account may have revealed pictures of her in formal attire, but seeing it with his own eyes was a different story. Her bushy hair was pushed back behind her ears and landed a tad bit lower than her shoulders. She ditched her glasses in favor of contact lenses that accentuated her round eyes. There was only a blush on her cheeks and a light pink lipstick.

“Mind if I join you, Crystal?”

He saw that Crystal jumped in shock at his question. It wasn’t until she turned in his direction that she gave him a side glance. “You scared the lights out of me, Ryan.”

“Aren’t you with your parents?”

“Oh, they’re abroad, but insisted that I graduate in person. I’m waiting for a friend to come.” She observed that his eyes flashed with disappointment. “What about you?”

“My old folks are on their way. What time is your friend going to arrive?”

“What’s up?”

“I was thinking … whether you’d like to take a couple of pictures with me and kill time. I mean, instead of drowning in your thoughts.”

“Sure, why not?” She slid down the boulder and wiped the imaginary dust off the robe. “Any place in mind?”

“Perhaps the courtyard?” He suggested. “Since we’re both from law?”

“Okay, that’s a quieter place with enough natural light for photography.”

*

He breathed a sigh of relief when one of the students waiting on the round concrete seats agreed to help them to take a picture. His heart sank deeper into the ocean when he felt Crystal’s body stiffened as he placed a hand on her waist for the photography session. It indicated that she was still uncomfortable with him or experienced something so terrible that he wished he could wipe clean from her memory. He couldn’t place the feeling that she experienced: a comfort that washed over him to have her close to him. Yet, she reciprocated with an arm over his shoulder like a sibling.

“Thanks a lot,” he mentioned as the person returned his phone.

“Not to worry,” came the reply. “I took a couple more shots for you to choose. Congratulations on your graduation!”

“Thanks a lot,” Ryan answered while Crystal nodded with a smile.

She waited for the person to be out of earshot before she approached Ryan. “So, how are the pictures?” she asked. “I’m trusting your eyes. So, it better look good!”

“It should be okay. I hope.”

Just ahead of them, Crystal spotted the caricature of her friend entering the campus and cleared her throat. “Look, I’ve to split. My friend’s here.”

“Oh, sure thing. If I don’t see you later, congrats on the graduation!”

“Thanks. And you too.” She shot a grin before she dashed off in another direction.

*

“Thanks for coming!” Crystal scooped her friend into an embrace outside the graduation hall. “You’ve no idea how much I appreciate it, Harry.”

Her lips stretched upwards when she mentally analyzed his fashion sense. He wore smart casual attire - light blue checkered shirt and black working pants - and a pair of expensive-looking R.M. Williams shoes. Had it been in another dimension, she could foresee herself falling for his charms and personality. She loved how his eyes crinkled whenever he laughed and how relaxed he was whenever they were together. He was a kind soul who loved to help people and craved for his close ones to be happy - even if it meant pushing his own feelings aside. In essence, he was willing to place others before him.

Harry laughed out loud. “I’ll obviously be in attendance. It’ll be the last time that we’ll be able to regularly hang out. I’d have accommodated your graduation time into my schedule, even if it meant missing my tute.”

Her eyes widened with horror. “No, no. Did you skip classes?”

“Nah, we’re in luck that my tutorial is after your ceremony. The downside is that i’ve rush off for it right after it ends. So, we can’t take pictures with you in the robe.”

“I’d have asked you to go for your classes after all. I only care about who the pictures are with, not the freaking attire.”

“Awesome. Can we do late lunch or early dinner after that?”

“Sure, why not? It’d be glad to end the day with food … and wine.”

*

As there was a couple of moments before the start of the convocation, Crystal caught herself admiring the handiwork and decoration of the majestic hall hosting their graduation. Ahead of her was the stage with three chairs in the middle. Towards the left and right were more chairs of the same kind, which she suspected was for the academic administrative employees and the rest of her lecturers. Or at least those who were able to squeeze some time out from their busy schedules. The place never failed to amaze her, no matter how many times she was given access through her role as a graduation volunteer or as an orientation host.

“This is a surprise,” she heard a voice and turned in that direction. Her jaw slammed to the floor. It was Ryan standing in front of her with the pamphlet in his head. “Yeah, I know. I wasn’t expecting to be sitting next to you for the ceremony either.”

“How did this happen?!”

He shrugged as he sat next to her. “I don’t know. Maybe our scores are similar to each other. Maybe we have similar last names."

"Oh, please. I'm not as intelligent as you are."

"My dear friend, the possibilities are endless.”

This is not good, she thought. She stole a glance at Ryan, whose concentration was glued on the pamphlet with the list of the graduates, and closed her eyes. Although this was something that Trace and she discussed as a probability, never once in her wildest dream did she expect to occur. Back then, she figured that there would be someone else sitting in between them. Back then, she wanted that person to block her view of Ryan to afford her some sense of peace. But in the end, her worst nightmare became a reality.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

9/28/2017

I dreamt that I attended an event that was held in a large area. Whether it was a ballroom or a convention centre, I couldn’t tell. The person - let’s call him an emcee - stood at the centre of the stage and introduced something to the attendees.

As I heard someone introducing herself, my ears perked up when she said the magic name. I had been looking for that person for a while. During the break time, I walked over to the table where she was seated and asked her about this. She refused to meet my eyes and told me to meet her at the back in 15 minutes to have a private conversation on this. She apparently was with other people and didn’t want them to know the nature of our conversation topic.

Interpretation: A quick check with the dream website indicated that there is a hidden aspect of myself that I have never seen before. In the dream, there were lots of people, but none of whom I knew in reality. My best guess is that the worries I have now, I’ve never experienced them before. Not even in Taylor’s. Oddly enough, even though I struggled with History, I knew that I’d be able to pass the course - just not at the grade that I wanted.

At the corner of my eye, I saw that the police had arrived to arrest someone. Who, I wasn’t sure, but the shiny silver handcuffs stood out in the dimly lit area. I made my way to the toilet on the pretext of seeing who it was, but the emcee told me to use the toilet at the back instead. I didn’t pick up on his reasoning.

Interpretation: I’ll split this piece into three parts:

a) The place that we were in was a dimly lit room. You could even say that it was a dark room with lights from the back, the projectors, and people’s laptop screens. Come to think of it, I’m not sure why I’d even have such a dream, but I digress. A quick check with the aforementioned website gave me a couple of ideas to work with. The first one is the possibility of something dangerous about to occur in my life. Let’s see - if you consider my hesitance on my capabilities of completing this semester without breaking down, then it might be the precarious thing that the subconscious is warning me about. The second one is where I’m stuck in a situation and having to make do with what I have. This one seems to be more realistic, seeing that I’m about to pull my hairs out.

b) The police arresting someone. Now, this could be a signal that feelings of change are being placed on me. It is either that or my presence brings a sense of security or calmness to a situation. Hah, I wish. I don’t think I’m that capable to defuse a low-level conflict before it explodes into a dispute.

c) Someone being handcuffed. Mind you, there are times when I feel like i’m reaching the limits of my mental and emotions. I’m forced to adopt the role of someone else, where I can’t express myself for the fear of aggravating or complicating a tender situation. I won’t be surprised if the situation that I’ve landed myself into that is the cause. You could say that my environment has forced me to adapt. I get glares/stares directed at me whenever I choose to express myself in Mandarin due to the stereotype and misassumptions. I’m not as fluent in Bahasa Malaysia as I am in English, so I only speak Malay when I’m within the four walls or back home in the good ole KL.

Instead of being myself, why not observe more than I speak?

I walked into the toilet cubicles and instantly felt fearful. The air was colder than I expected, and it left me thinking that I have company. It wasn’t until I met a four-legged fellow that my fear was soothed. I saw its name written on a tag that was hammered next to the main door. I whispered the dog’s name. The furkid waited outside the cubicle and its presence somehow managed to give me the peace and safety that I needed.

Interpretation: I’ll split this piece into three parts:

a) Walking into the toilet. Let's just say that I need the opportunity to rid myself of a negative situation, two of which I'm currently facing. I won't say much about the first one, but I can elaborate more about the second one. The fact that I haven't been able to study to the best of my abilities has tested my patience since the beginning of penultimate year. I feel like I'm being overwhelmed and am more than ready to drop everything, if it means having a breather.

I just need to let go and find my old self while trusting the process.

b) The fear that I felt in the toilet. The online dream interpretation suggested that a situation in real life is giving me the creeps. Sure, I am anxious about the little side project that I've just completed as I don't know whether the time spent on it would be a waste or success. I am also anxious about obtaining a credit for all of my courses this semester.

I just don't know whether I've done enough... which is ironic.

Where has all my confidence gone to?

c) Seeing the dog tag. Seriously, this is a description that is more suited for my good friend, not me. I've observed him - and his method of confronting a negative situation is different from mine. He doesn't speak of it and relies on himself to get things done. Me? I've to give myself some pep-talk to keep the rising fear and anger at bay.

Maybe the sudden loss of confidence is related to this. I've chosen to wear a happy mask in front of everyone to protect myself from the harsh effects of words or actions. I try not to rely on others for help - even though I'm drowning - and prefer to do it myself. Could that be an indication that I am emotionally protective of my work?

Some people had left my table when I returned from the toilet. We were seated near the projection screen on a long table. I was also tempted to do the same thing since it was getting late. I asked a fellow friend to walk me to my car after the event. He replied that it would’ve been something that he’d do even if I hadn’t asked him. He reasoned that he wanted to make sure that he saw me off safely.

Interpretation: a) Me talking to the girl and my friend. Oh, how in the world did my fears and insecurities slip into the dream? I don't like to air my grievances, because, let's face it, it could be used as a revenge or a way to get back to me if someone wants to see me suffer.

Hell, I even feel the traces of jealousy in some people.

Ugh, humans. 


b) The friend agreeing to walk me to my car. Seeing that none of the attendees are people whom I know in real life, this might be the subconscious way of having a friend who is there for me. Sure, I know some of my friends would be there for me, but I'm not going to splash their inbox with paragraphs after paragraphs of rants and vents when I don't feel confident that it'll be kept as a secret. Maybe the dream is creating a mirror image of myself but with better qualities and tools to keep me going. 
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