Tuesday, October 31, 2017

10/31/17

I dreamt that it was an event held in a building located in a quiet area. A bunch of us were there to celebrate a festival, which I reckon was Halloween, since we were all dressed up in costumes. My eyes widened with shock and my jaw dropped to the floor when I saw that friend. He seemed like his usual self as he turned up in his costume - as if time never passed between us - and asked how I was before he went his way. Although we were much older, we somehow recognized each other after all these years. It left me with a surprise because I never expected him to remember me.

When I returned from a toilet break, I gave a visual cue to my fellow friends to let them know that we should probably make a move. It was late into the night as we made our way out of the building. For reasons that I don’t know, I got lost from the entourage and found myself struggling to catch up with them and exit out of the building. I kept running into stairs and walking down more flights of stairs with shady characters at certain corners. Although my heart raced with fear and panic, the chilly air was somehow peaceful with its bright stars - if only I learned to relax and enjoy the scenery before me.

The friend in the dream is someone whom I haven’t seen since college graduation. In fact, none of us know his current location or his well -being. It’s as if he vanished without a trace. I don’t know what brought him up in the dream, but I’m aware that I’ve been thinking about him lately. Certain things have also reminded me of him - in a platonic way, mind you. Maybe it’s a sign that I miss him as a friend? Or reminiscing on the good old days where we used to throw each other under the bus?

Oh, yes, even a particular mutual friend of ours has said the same thing.

A quick reference online suggested that his 'appearance can also be a metaphor for some forgotten aspect of yourself that you'd like to reconnect with'. The two most common words used to describe me by my college peers were confidence and strong. The same applies to this friend, so it could be another hint that I admire his confidence and ability to take the bull by its horns all the time - something that I’m losing, drip after drip.

I also sense an ongoing theme with the part of me getting lost. It is similar to one of the earlier dreams but with a different context. The online interpretation suggested that I want stability or a normalcy - or rather crave the need for it. In addition, ‘to dream of being lost in the dark may represent feelings of being desperate to do anything all with no way to. Feeling unable to control anything that is happening to you. Feeling that you are completely on your own with no answers or help in sight. Alternatively, it may also reflect powerful feelings of isolation or loneliness.’

It is suggestive that I feel a sense of abandonment - in some ways. At the current state of mind, it feels like I’m floating in two territories - between my home country and current location - with no sense of belonging. Kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don’t thing. Maybe this scene is cementing my fear that I’m at a disadvantage. Ever since I started this semester, I already know that I’ve lost control of something. It didn’t help that my displeasure at the occurrences plus the academic stress have given me a hue of charcoal more than once. Somehow, I believe that although I take the courage and ask for help, it’s not going to necessarily work because 1) it’s not something that any Tom, Dick or Harry is able to assist with me; and 2) I’m worried sick about not just passing the exams, but attaining the grade that I want.

Stairs. I don’t know what to make of it because I’ve never dreamt of climbing or seeing stairs, but this is what the online interpretation said: ‘To dream that you are upstairs of a building refers to your higher level of understanding. It symbolizes your rational thinking and objectivity. Alternatively, being upstairs means that you hold yourself in high regard. To dream that you are walking down a flight of stairs represents your repressed thoughts. You are regressing back into your subconscious. It also refers to the setbacks that you are experiencing in your life.’

Let’s break the two interpretations into a more understandable element.

Interpretation #1: it characterizes a safety net, where I know that I can fall back on them should anything occur. I’m more confident and able to reason out with people, if they cross their boundaries and invade my personal space.

Interpretation #2: this is a little tricky. The costume might be a facade for me to ditch my insecurities and play someone else, even for the night. It could be a change of thoughts, where I just want to be myself since confidence has landed me into a muddy pile of mess (and jealousy-infused glares, if I may add). I’ve also suppressed my thoughts because I want to fade into the crowd and not stand out of them. I want to be treated like one of the invisible folks and left alone to do my own thing. What’s the point of speaking up when it’s not going to work in your favor?

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

10/25/2017

I don’t know whether it was a full blown exposure to a burnout, but it felt as such. Once all is done, I’ll have to take my lecturer’s advice and give myself some break. I’ll be honest with you. For someone who attends the weekly lectures and tutorials, you know that something is fishy when she decides to only attend her tutorials. She only emerges from her hideout on campus when it is closer towards the end of an academic day to grab air and food or to make her way home.

Not only am I overwhelmed with the workload and the clashing deadlines (which, in all honesty, should be bearable since that I’ve had worse in college), I’m suffering from a severe sleep deprivation brought on by external factors - including noise pollution. This explains why I haven’t been active on the blogosphere - most of the posts you’ve read have been scheduled in advance. There’s too much on my plate for me to carve the time to update the blog. Spend some time with me or have a peek at my timetable and you’ll know why. With that being said, I’m still taking the time out to focus on the rest of my assignments and the much-feared Corporate exam… at least for me.

I can’t believe that the second semester of my penultimate year is now a done and dusted thing. Just like that, with the snap of my fingers. I guess it’s now time to straighten some priorities (including working towards a credit for all of the courses) and focus on the summer holidays, where I can hide somewhere for an x number of weeks. Oh, God knows the temptation to ditch my social media accounts on the backburner and finally have some self-care. I know that I might be in for a rude awakening if I do that. Concerned messages will explode in my face, asking where the hell I have been and why I have ignored texts and calls. But it doesn’t really bother me because I need to get away from everyone for a while.

Speaking of summer break, I can’t wait. It’s been a wild ride this semester, especially with the crazy twists and divine intervention. I mean, I had an inkling of what was to come as a result of my decisions, but I never expected it to have such an impact on my psyche. I kept to my fair share of the promise because 1) I don’t want to explain to anyone the reasons behind my absence; 2) a promise is a promise; 3) there will be an awkward aura when you’re not in your class; and 4) the real world stinks more than this. If I can’t handle it now, I’ll definitely struggle when I’m in the workforce.

At least there is some breathing room now than it’s almost the end. 12 weeks in that little room packed with familiar peers was more than I could handle. The fact that there are other known players [players, as in students, not in the video game sense] didn’t make things any easier on my part. There are even a couple of folks that I never expected to see again. I don’t even know how I even survived the experience, but now that the exam schedule has been released, it’ll be easier for me to plan a hangout with all of the friends whom I haven’t met in ages. Not to mention, I want to visit a couple of places - and digitally freeze those memories!

As for peers, I’m not sure what would happen in the final year, but I guess I’m better prepared and equipped for the possibility that we might share the same classes again. I might roll my eyes with a sigh before I continue with my own things. Three years of breathing and living law has taught me how to deal with future colleagues while keeping my own emotions checked. As one of my friends has said, law school is smaller than you think. You are bound to run into familiar faces at some point or another if you’re unlucky, which is true. Not everyone in the same batch will be in the same courses - some are doing a double degree, some might decide to take a semester off, some may even add another degree to their studies along the way, or some might even add some spice to their study plan (which was what I did with criminal law and the arts electives. I won’t go into much details to save you from the confusion). All of which will throw some mix and delay the students by a year or so. As such, the probability is there.

On the bright side, next year’s my final year in law. I might consider staying and obtain the certificate/diploma to be admitted into the Bar. We’ll see what happens then. Anything can happen in the span of twelve months, but one thing is for sure. Although I’ll be surrounded by familiar faces, it’ll be a relief to graduate in the robe with that elusive parchment.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

10/22/2017

This has to be one of the weirdest dreams that I ever had.

I dreamt that it was the Christmas season - hence the beautifully gold decoratuons in the hotel ballroom. When I noticed it, I told my friends to wait for me while I rushed over to take a couple of pictures of it. Once I was satisfied with the number of photographs, I ran down the steps in my heels and made my way to the foyer where they waited for me. We were all dressed up, about to attend a formal event somewhere in town.

As two of our college friends were residents of this place, we decided to call them out for dinner. I received the phone call from someone about this and made my way to the appointed restaurant. Because it was just the average family-owned one, I turned up in a casual attire and styled my hair with a pencil. (This is something that I might dress in real life if I’m going for dinner with my parents.) When I saw that the two college friends had arrived, I guided them to the table where our mutual friend was waiting.

It was sometime during the dinner that I learnt that the world was smaller than it seemed. One of our course mates, who was in Canada, knew the committee member of the university’s law student society. I can’t remember who, but someone even rattled the course mate's nickname. The same one that leaves him wincing each time his friends use it in real life.

I honestly don't know how or what to interpret from this particular dream, especially the dinner part. Although both the college course mate and committee member are of acquaintance in real life, I don't think they even know each other or have common grounds with each other. 

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

A Case of Curious Coincidences (Part 8)

His breath caught in his throat when his peripheral vision spotted a familiar figure sitting on one of the concrete blocks that protected their graduation hall from oncoming traffic. Although she was surrounded by their cohorts, she stood out in the crowd like a shining diamond in her attire. Her lips stretched upwards when he saw her. His earlier searches on her Instagram account may have revealed pictures of her in formal attire, but seeing it with his own eyes was a different story. Her bushy hair was pushed back behind her ears and landed a tad bit lower than her shoulders. She ditched her glasses in favor of contact lenses that accentuated her round eyes. There was only a blush on her cheeks and a light pink lipstick.

“Mind if I join you, Crystal?”

He saw that Crystal jumped in shock at his question. It wasn’t until she turned in his direction that she gave him a side glance. “You scared the lights out of me, Ryan.”

“Aren’t you with your parents?”

“Oh, they’re abroad, but insisted that I graduate in person. I’m waiting for a friend to come.” She observed that his eyes flashed with disappointment. “What about you?”

“My old folks are on their way. What time is your friend going to arrive?”

“What’s up?”

“I was thinking … whether you’d like to take a couple of pictures with me and kill time. I mean, instead of drowning in your thoughts.”

“Sure, why not?” She slid down the boulder and wiped the imaginary dust off the robe. “Any place in mind?”

“Perhaps the courtyard?” He suggested. “Since we’re both from law?”

“Okay, that’s a quieter place with enough natural light for photography.”

*

He breathed a sigh of relief when one of the students waiting on the round concrete seats agreed to help them to take a picture. His heart sank deeper into the ocean when he felt Crystal’s body stiffened as he placed a hand on her waist for the photography session. It indicated that she was still uncomfortable with him or experienced something so terrible that he wished he could wipe clean from her memory. He couldn’t place the feeling that she experienced: a comfort that washed over him to have her close to him. Yet, she reciprocated with an arm over his shoulder like a sibling.

“Thanks a lot,” he mentioned as the person returned his phone.

“Not to worry,” came the reply. “I took a couple more shots for you to choose. Congratulations on your graduation!”

“Thanks a lot,” Ryan answered while Crystal nodded with a smile.

She waited for the person to be out of earshot before she approached Ryan. “So, how are the pictures?” she asked. “I’m trusting your eyes. So, it better look good!”

“It should be okay. I hope.”

Just ahead of them, Crystal spotted the caricature of her friend entering the campus and cleared her throat. “Look, I’ve to split. My friend’s here.”

“Oh, sure thing. If I don’t see you later, congrats on the graduation!”

“Thanks. And you too.” She shot a grin before she dashed off in another direction.

*

“Thanks for coming!” Crystal scooped her friend into an embrace outside the graduation hall. “You’ve no idea how much I appreciate it, Harry.”

Her lips stretched upwards when she mentally analyzed his fashion sense. He wore smart casual attire - light blue checkered shirt and black working pants - and a pair of expensive-looking R.M. Williams shoes. Had it been in another dimension, she could foresee herself falling for his charms and personality. She loved how his eyes crinkled whenever he laughed and how relaxed he was whenever they were together. He was a kind soul who loved to help people and craved for his close ones to be happy - even if it meant pushing his own feelings aside. In essence, he was willing to place others before him.

Harry laughed out loud. “I’ll obviously be in attendance. It’ll be the last time that we’ll be able to regularly hang out. I’d have accommodated your graduation time into my schedule, even if it meant missing my tute.”

Her eyes widened with horror. “No, no. Did you skip classes?”

“Nah, we’re in luck that my tutorial is after your ceremony. The downside is that i’ve rush off for it right after it ends. So, we can’t take pictures with you in the robe.”

“I’d have asked you to go for your classes after all. I only care about who the pictures are with, not the freaking attire.”

“Awesome. Can we do late lunch or early dinner after that?”

“Sure, why not? It’d be glad to end the day with food … and wine.”

*

As there was a couple of moments before the start of the convocation, Crystal caught herself admiring the handiwork and decoration of the majestic hall hosting their graduation. Ahead of her was the stage with three chairs in the middle. Towards the left and right were more chairs of the same kind, which she suspected was for the academic administrative employees and the rest of her lecturers. Or at least those who were able to squeeze some time out from their busy schedules. The place never failed to amaze her, no matter how many times she was given access through her role as a graduation volunteer or as an orientation host.

“This is a surprise,” she heard a voice and turned in that direction. Her jaw slammed to the floor. It was Ryan standing in front of her with the pamphlet in his head. “Yeah, I know. I wasn’t expecting to be sitting next to you for the ceremony either.”

“How did this happen?!”

He shrugged as he sat next to her. “I don’t know. Maybe our scores are similar to each other. Maybe we have similar last names."

"Oh, please. I'm not as intelligent as you are."

"My dear friend, the possibilities are endless.”

This is not good, she thought. She stole a glance at Ryan, whose concentration was glued on the pamphlet with the list of the graduates, and closed her eyes. Although this was something that Trace and she discussed as a probability, never once in her wildest dream did she expect to occur. Back then, she figured that there would be someone else sitting in between them. Back then, she wanted that person to block her view of Ryan to afford her some sense of peace. But in the end, her worst nightmare became a reality.
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